I was at the urinals in The Lamb & Flag on Thursday evening, draining the main vein.

I had ‘wingmen’ either side of me.

Are you looking at my penis?

I casually glanced to the left. Hmm, impressive, he could do some damage with that I thought, as I looked at ‘Donkey Kongs’ imposing schlong! It looked like a baby’s arm holding an apple!!

I then nonchalantly gazed to the right. Ha, pathetic, would that even touch the sides I thought, as I looked at ‘Diddy Kongs’ schnauzer’s tail! It looked like a baked bean flanked by two peas!!

As I squeezed out the last few drops, I looked down at Stuey Junior for both reassurance and to give him a shake, he looked back up and winked at me – could have been better, could have been worse fella!

For the record, ‘looking’ isn’t a crime; Pete Cronin (138th) will back me up on that one!

As I was ‘Rollin’ home, I required an ‘adjustment’, one of the boys had come out of the barracks! It made me think about my ‘toilet experience’ and being ‘piggy in the middle’! Hmm, I mused; I wonder what the average penis size is?!

And you know what; it’s 5.0 inches! Before you panic guys, that’s erect!!

Chipolata, Bratwurst or somewhere in between?

Please don’t stop reading to rush off and measure your appendage, you can do that later!

5.0 is average in every way, isn’t it! It’s half of 10 which, when scoring is considered perfection!

Well 5.0 (average) is largely what followed all weekend in terms of football and FFUK!

Liverpool, normally so close to perfection, were quite frankly a 5.0; made to look ordinary by a spirited Watford team who collectively forgot how to get their foot to connect with the ball inside the box when presented with a scoring opportunity!

It was two bits of magic from Salah (16) that was the difference.

A quagmire of mediocracy continued throughout Saturday!

The two teams (Burnley & Newcastle) who have made the fewest passes this season literally scrapped it out. Carroll (1) had some Burnley heads Rollin’ as he threw some elbows! Was it 5.0? Could have been more, I lost count and interest!! Vital clean sheet points from Burnley’s defensive assets were the highlight.

A Bournemouth team in poor form and having lost their last 5.0 games, defeated a very mediocre (5.0 at best) Chelsea side. Mild controversy and confusion ensued near the end as the ball went Rollin’ the length of an average erect penis over the line before it was cleared. Did it penetrate the goal? The man from VAR, he say YES!

Ref, put your cock away, we have goal-line technology!

Pulisic (3) looks distinctly bang-average. Yes he had a momentary flurry but that’s 5.0 weeks now he’s done FFUK all! Told you Chris Galloway (201st)!!

Far from average was Fleck (15) with a brace. He’d be worth considering if he wasn’t now suspended for picking up his 5.0th yellow card.

Leicester looked very much five-point-oh against an energetic Norwich and ‘pray tell’, how many points did Vardy, the most captained FFUKer score? You guessed it – 5.0!!

Under ‘normal’ circumstances we’d be happy with that; it would be a satisfactory return; not now, five-point-oh-no (ahem), we want; nay, demand more! It was a moderate return for the 56% that gave him the armband.

Now let’s move on to our favourite shallow vaginal sex-aid

Lundstram (11)! He brought us some festive cheer! In his previous 5.0 games he’d scored paltry (2-3-2-1-2) points. There was ‘talk’ of ditching him! Crazy!! He’s a Battering Ram!!!

Question; is it worse not to own him or to own him and bench him?

Sean Colohon (226th) & Neil Goodwin (45th) learned the hard way in GW11 when they benched him – it cost them their places in The Conts League!

Surely no-one would make the same mistake, would they Daron Russell (44th)!

lundy 1
Nobody puts Lundy in the corner!

Five-point-Oh, you did! Doh!! Never mind, keep Rollin’ Daz!!!

The first rule of FFUK Club is – you do not bench Lundstram.

The second rule of FFUK Club is – you do not bench Lundstram!


The Saturday evening match invoked (relative) excitement! In anticipation Stuey Junior swelled to a quarter chub!!

West Ham had lost 5.0 of their last 6.0 games, coupled with the fact that Ings (2) had form, he’d scored in his last 5.0 games – I was full of optimism! Points and a semi lob on ahoy I thought!

Nope! Nothing!! Nada!!!

In the words of my wife after our ‘bedroom wrestling’ – “sorry love, it didn’t happen again, maybe next time”.

Maybe 5.0 jerks and a squirt just isn’t enough! I wonder how many jerks Leroy does?

Thank goodness the standard rose (slightly) on Sunday Sunday!

The early games were still pretty humdrum, summed up by all of Spurs’ FF points going to players none of us FFUKing own and Jimenez scoring his predictable 5.0 points! He’s got 5.0 points in three of his past four game weeks now, meh!

Greenwood (8) was Manu Utd’s only highlight. He’s one of only three ‘active’ strikers under 5.0 million. If he starts to get more minutes he’s a steal at 4.3 million.

One word for Big Dunc. LEGEND. In Tim McEwan’s (22nd) words – ‘if he was my manager, I’d be tackling people in the office’!

Big Dunc

It was the last game on Sunday where we saw fireworks.

Thank the good Lord and baby Jesus for KDB (19). He illuminated a lot of stagnant scores!

Far from ordinary with regards to his footballing ‘performance’, he was the perfect 10!

His concerned owners fell back in love with him! I’ve no idea how big his penis is, but I’m fairly confident that unless he’s gone for a boyzilian, it’s bedded in with ginger pubes! I’m also clueless on how good he is in bed! He’s probably somewhere between me and Leroy!

Guys, it’s this long!

Monday night only held the attention of those with one of Kelly (2), Zaha (8) and Guaita (8). Kelly’s 2pts proved the most significant, more on that later.

Now onto to FFUK….


The big fairy sitting atop of the FFUK Christmas Tree is still Paul Baker (1st) with a solid-seventy!

The two baubles dangling either side of him are Peter Hayes & Justin McCarthy who rise to 2nd & 3rd respectively.

Three wise men making up the base of the top twenty are Jason Beal (18th), Jamie Stewart (19th) & Mike Cronin (20th). They were all lucky enough to get a sixty-nine! I think we’d all ‘rise’ with a 69!!

Now onto the top FFUKer – aka Best Game Week Score!

It was almost Gregg Dampier (236th) bossing it with a gigantic 95 points!

Impressed? Hold your adulation.

Piercing the one hundred ceiling with a goliath 113 points is Neil Goodwin (45th). He went Rollin’ the Chips dice; it landed on the Salah Triple Captain side. Great power-play Neil, you’re now on Page 1 of the FFUK League and have gained entry into the FFUK Champions League!

After registering his score with the boss, the Best GW score page has now been updated and Neil is the biggest received… so far!

Now onto the bottom FFUKer – aka Wet Leg of the Week!

It goes to Dan Mogridge (254th) with 26 points. His team name is very apt – ‘Bored by October’! He made his last transfer on 28th September and his team could now be classed as ‘inactive’.

In fact the bottom 5.0 players are all ‘dormant’, they averaged 35 points. I only have contempt for these lollygaggers!


With heavy perspiration and Conts-Anxiety going into Monday night’s game was Ross Smith (38th) and Nick Hardie (146th). Both adrift of the main pack and with only two points in it, Nick held the slight advantage. Ross was relying on Martin Kelly to bridge this gap.

Kelly (2) duly obliged to leave them both on 48 points!

What do we do when the scores are tied? Longest (erect) penis wins? It was talked about, but practically it’s difficult to administer; it would also require ‘fluffers’. My wife did volunteer her services but it would create a conflict of interest with her current employment!

Nick Hardie is thus evicted. For the record it is solely down to him having the lower overall FPL rank.

That’s me done. Merry Christmas FFUKers! Hopefully Santa brings you plentiful FPL points!!

Stu (37th)

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