It’s almost the end of the season, and it’s been a tough year. For many of us, our communities have been a lifeline, buying shopping for neighbours, throwing stones at outsiders, or all getting together for a good protest about the other humans taking the last piece of toilet roll. If like me, your shit don’t stink, you’ve likely found solace in FPL and masturbation. Dirty arse? No problem. With every Premier League game on TV and no incentive to wash, it’s been a time for mindless reflection, finding peace in the simple things, our own smell or the joy of a favourite dressing gown.

Rumours of a DGW in GW35 had been floating around for months courtesy of some geek guru called Ben and as predicted, we arrived in GW35 with doubles for Chelsea, Man United, Leicester, Villa, Everton, Southampton, Palace and Arsenal. But what no one could have predicted was that Man United fans would go all football fan and break into their own stadium to protest. So are we thanking these rogue fans now? After messing with our FPL plans last GW we were then gifted a whopper TRIPLE GW for United, also throwing Liverpool into the DGW mix. The gods move in mysterious ways.

Oh they do.

Results always seem a bit unpredictable at this stage of the season. Why do Palace always seem to come out of nowhere and score some goals? The relegation scraps come in, Everton, West Ham and Liverpool battle for a European place. Burnley pounce. Chelsea beat City but then lose to bloody Arsenal? If there’s one thing that can be guaranteed it’s that Man United and Liverpool will cancel each other out in a goalless bore…. The FPL gods frankly couldn’t have been kinder. They obviously wanted to show thanks to all the sensible people that have given themselves to worship in recent months. We’ve gone full circle with double gameweeks, they can’t possibly actually be good.

Have a TRIPLE FFUKers, and how about we finish it off with a clean sheet for Villa and Everton before a 6 goal thriller for your players.

I for one will be making sacrifice to the gods today. If you’re walking round the streets of Watford today and see chips strewn across the street, feel free to pick one up and enjoy. It’s my way of saying thanks.

Triple trouble indeed. Well as predicted by Steve Cronin (2nd), Chris Galloway’s (1st) bench boost couldn’t have gone much bloody better this gameweek. Clearly a devout FPL worshipper, Chris has held on tight to his precious bench boost all this time, only to unleash it with Forster (10), Smith-Rowe (19), Holding (9), and Philips (10). There was no guarantee any of those four would even play right?  Apparently Saints have been rotating Forster and McCarthy every two gameweeks, and when else would Forster come along with a penalty save? ESR has now scored two goals this season, yep, both this gameweek. Throw in a couple of clean sheets, an assist and some bonus from Holding and Philips and who’s laughing. That’s a 48 point bench boost and a marker for us all.

Chris takes the top spot off the back of a whopper 173 point gameweek, putting a 21 point gap between him and Steve with three weeks to go. Daron Russell completes the Top 3, now 28 points off the top with his shiny new wildcard team but it’s likely that both Chris and Steve will take hits to get 11 players out on a tricky blank GW36.

Whatever happens, there’s sure to be trouble.

Who goes this week? Would it be wrong of me to feign some humble satisfaction at making it through another week in the Conts? Do I feel the deep sense of injustice at another of my peers losing out, as I survive, one step closer to the prize?

I’m sorry James Downie, but as you’re 7th place in the overall league, you’re gonna have to take this on the chin. Another week, another eviction, and this week you must leave the Conts.

Two weeks to go in the Conts.

Steve Cronin (2nd), Sean Griffin (45th), and me (Pete Cronin 50th) to battle it out this weekend to make the final two. And yes, I will be taking hits gents.

And that’s all for today folks. New gameweek starts tonight FFS, and many of us need to plot.

I hope everyone has had a bloody fantastic season and enjoyed the highs and lows as much as I. There’s not long left but still plenty of fun to be had, get your dressing gown on, grab a Toblerone, and bed in.

Peace and love FFUKers.

Pete Cronin

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