WELCOME TO THE
GW34 REVIEW –
FFUK ME!
There was nothing BEAUTIFUL about this GW! Thankfully though, I have managed to control things down ‘SOUTH’!!
I have developed coping strategies to FPL trauma – reflection, counselling, cognitive-therapy, yoga and a whole packet of Imodium, these were all put to work over the weekend meaning the catastrophic events no longer made me shit the bed!
Even Dan Burn had a full night’s sleep, in every sense he and I kept a clean sheet!!
MANC SCALLY FANS – FFUK ME
I write ‘fans’ with tongue in cheek. Fans were outside the stadium, a collection of gigantic pricks were inside the stadium, ‘protesting’; another loose term!
Whatever the upshot, it meant Game Off! Please no, not a ‘turtle’s head’!
We’ve been here before. In 2016 some bell-end forget to remove a fake bomb from a training exercise causing a match postponement. Is the incompetence at Old Trafford systemic?!
FEW PLAYING NOW – FFUK ME
This decimated teams. Most people had 3 to 5 red-men. It was going to hurt everyone.
The tables had now turned. People frantically looked to their benches, cap in hand to the players they didn’t trust to put in their starting 11. Cue a marmite-motorway in my y-fronts!!
NO PLAYING SUBS – FFUK ME
With teams in Europe resting key FPL players – Holding, Rudiger, Dias, Saka, Smith Rowe, Gundogan, Azpilicueta, I could go on… meant most people were royally FFUKed!! Here comes the full poo!!!
I had 8 playing players. This was pretty consistent within the league with everyone fielding between 7 to 10.
Well let’s hope those who play do the business…
CAN’T HARRY SCORE – FFUK ME
The unthinkable happened, Kane (2) blanked against the leagues second shittest defence! How? Annoying, but no biggie, most top players captained him!
BALE SCORING THREE – FFUK ME
Talk about a frustrating player to own / not own! He’s up, he’s down; he’s in, he’s out; he’s shaking it all a FFUKing about!! Very much reminds me of my missus’! Well at least Leroy hasn’t been able come round while I’m at work due to COVID restrictions.
You know full fucking well she’s married!
ONE BAMMY / DALLAS POINT – FFUK ME
Leeds really are a shower of shit without Raphina & Phillips! I’m getting annoyed with myself for putting in players who are clearly mentally already ‘on the beach’! Not abroad though, most likely to be Devon or Cornwall!! Still, building metaphoric sandcastles though! I get it, nothing left to play for?
Ever heard of something called PRIDE! The club FUCKING Badge!!
I hope Bielsa used that bucket he used to sit on, to waterboard Bamford (1) in the dressing room after the match!!
While we’re on the subject of ineptitude…
CAN’T TOFFEES WIN – FFUK ME
Now I do not own Everton players for a reason. I don’t mix business with pleasure. The trouble is, they’re not doing the business and they’re not bringing me any pleasure!! You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy (Happy Star Wars day 😉).
The Champions League door has accidentally been left ajar, just waiting for someone to walk through it. Go on Everton, off you go. Yep, off they totter. Oh wait, no. They’ve just sat back down on the rug, and now their fingering their arsehole, and now they’ve just put it in their mouth!!
I really thought this year with Ancelotti at the helm we might have the balls for it. Looks like they’ve all joined Rodriguez in having them removed! Mangina’s all round!!
SOME WORRY FREE – FFUK ME
This GW wasn’t a disaster for all. There were some smug sods out there giving it large on the WhatsApp group letting everyone know how well they’d done and how happy they were with proceedings – we love it when people share their happiness and inner thoughts! Grrr!!!
Let’s name and shame some: –
Daron Russell (2nd) – 46 pts, James Downie (5th) – 43 pts, Jamie Stewart (7th) – 48 pts, Justin McCarthy (9th) – 48 pts, Paul Baker (101st) – 46 pts.
Apparently it helped them either win a Champions League tie, raise their League position, win a side bet or something? If I’m honest I stopped listening!! 😉 Tim McEwan (86th) – 48 pts also qualified for the last 16 of the Champions League, but as a true Toffee, he was more reserved and humble about it!!
Daron Russell leapfrogged Chris Galloway (3rd) to move up the 2nd.
James Downie vaulted Chris Smith (6th) to move up to 5th.
That was the only movement in the top ten. Everyone else is, as they were.
STEVE WINNING LEAGUE – FFUK ME
Kudos to Steve Cronin who is still 1st. The lead is only 5 points though, I bet he hasn’t had a poo in days!!
HIGH SCORING PEEPS – FFUK.ME
Bravo to Leon Allen (32nd) & Scott Hassell (142nd) for both achieving 76pts (albeit it with 4-point Hits) – an amazing & lucky achievement, in equal measures!! 😉
LOW SCORING PEEPS – FFUK ME
Poor Stephen Fielden (218th) only amassed 12pts and he had 10 players playing!!! Dire.
Sad to see a former FFUK Champion scoring only 16 points. That would be Nick Johns in 52nd place. Like my father, he was once my hero, now I only pity him!!
CONTS WORRY FOR – FFUK ME
Conts, the Mini-League without Limits. Now the person who replaced my Dad as my hero must be feeling he’s been served a huge slice of injustice this week. Chris Galloway (3rd) made it to the last five only to be evicted, ultimately by a group of Mancunian dickheads! Chris scored 28 points from seven players. Galling.
Four people remain – Steve Cronin (1st), James Downie (5th), Sean Griffin (54th), Pete Cronin (58th).
Who will prevail and be crowned Conty McCont-Face? Or King Cont as it’s been coined.
TOP MONTHLY SCORE – FFUK ME
Finally, Aprils Manager of the Month.
Well, what a turn up for the books! It’s only a joint win for my son and I. I FFUKing love it!
Taking quite different paths, yet still both ending up with 318 points, Theo Allen (24th) and I share the accolade. He’s absolutely over the moon! I’ve told him he can have all of the £50 prize money; I’d only spend it on heroin and Special Brew.
MUST CARRY ON – FFUK ME
There are a lot of similarities to GW16 when games were cancelled. We carried on then and we must do so now. The end is in sight. Some of us have been properly FFUKed! Lick the wounds, raise the bottom lip and let’s FFUKing do this!!
All being well, a delicious DGW awaits…
Stu Allen (4th)
FFUK 