WELCOME TO THE
GW 9 REVIEW –
FALL TO PIECES
This GW was defined my those that ‘fell to pieces‘!
Without further ado, hello Man Utd 👋
Definition of ‘Fall to Pieces’: –
‘to break up, come apart or disintegrate’
Pretty much sums things up! Liverpool were ruthless, Utd toothless.
This brings us nicely onto the next group of people that ‘fell to pieces’. All those who didn’t captain Salah (except for the two who captained Mount)!
DICKHEADS!! Me included, I’m in this brain-dead cohort of 43% of FFUKers!
What were ‘we’ thinking? It ain’t hard, just pick Salah (24)! Especially considering, porous defence vs. freely scoring wizard!
Those that did, scored very handsomely indeed. Put simply, he was the significant difference this GW. Well done youse (slow hand clap)! Not huge praise mind, you weren’t clever, just obvious! Does my tone suggest I’m bitter? Well, I am!!
Sunday night is the wife and I’s ‘special-time’ 😉 if you know what I mean 🍆. So traumatised was I, that I can say without shame or embarrassment that it was my libido’s turn to ‘Fall to Pieces’! I vow to ‘erect’ both my league position and mojo henceforth by sticking the armband on the magic-man and leaving it there.
Utd’s defence certainly ‘fell to pieces’. Out of position, ball-watching, marking thin-air, even Shaw (-1) & Maguire (-1) running into other 😂; I thought I was watching the Chuckle Brothers!
Cue Mr Half, AKA Mr Pogba’s (-2) entrance at HT, did it really give Utd fans hope? Hope not!!
You know when a player with half a haircut, half a skin (reminds me of C3P0 in the Force Awakens) and half a brain enters the battlefield halfway through it’s not going to end well. Where’s Phil ‘hey you guys’ Jones when you need him?! Like the Black Knight, I imagine him as someone who would fight to the death; not last just 15 minutes, which in some realms, I’ve heard is quite a long time, but not in a footballing terms!
Utd ‘only’ conceded five! Spare a thought for Norwich!
Spare another thought for those (22) who brought in and captained Havertz (3). Before the Salah-Show it may have seemed genius!
At 2pm, post-match on Saturday Grant Lawrie wrote on the FFUK WhatsApp group –
‘oh well it was worth the risk’
As some sort of internal self-justification to make a negative outcome more tolerable, elicited by hedonistic dissonance!
To which, Steve Cronin instantly replied –
‘Yeh not a bad decision just unlucky’.
As some sort of internal schadenfreude disguised as righteous reinforcement and sympathetic justification!
When really, he was thinking, ha, yessssss, another dopey Cont without Captain points!!
In short, Norwich were shite. For all intents & purposes, they’re relegated.
I’m tempted to transfer in the striker of their opponents each week… and captain Salah!!
Chelsea were rampant. Although I’ve never seen a team given so much time and space and hardly ‘pressed’ at all! Mount (24) taking the lions share of the points & plaudits. If you owned a playing Chelsea defender, you’d have snaffled-up bountiful points too!
My beloved Everton were another team to ‘Fall to Pieces’: –
‘lose the capacity to cope’
Another apt description of events!
Comfortably winning with 12 minutes to play, I had the cigar at the ready, thinking what cruel yet witty message to send to Lester Deeble; then the capitulation! Cigar put back in its box, message deleted, rage ensued!
Fair play to King (16). He showed Everton ‘what for’, for playing him so sparsely last season then letting him go for nothing. Dennis (12) was also quite a Menace (ahem) too!
Did Villa ‘Fall to Pieces’? Hell-yeah!
Smith Rowe (13) & Aubameyang (6) are looking good currently, but still not that tempting, and I can’t put my finger on why? Oh yeah, ‘cos they play for Arsenal!
A late Villa goal was described by James Downie as: –
‘One good thing… No clean sheet for Ramsdale owner!’
And he was right! For White (2) owners too!
Onto the third (21) most selected captain. Vardy (1) ‘fell to pieces’ in the warmup. Instead of sensibly sitting it out he decided to be a brave little sausage and play. Literally did FFUK ALL ‘cos he wasn’t fully fit (obvs) and consequently was hooked off at half time. Thanks for the one FFUKing point Jamie!
Him not starting would have had a significant positive improvement for a lot of players, me included! If I can somehow obtain his address, I’m going to put a horse’s head in his bed, that or send him a shit in the post!!
Elsewhere, Brighton’s back line ‘fell to pieces’ and largely gifted a comfortable win to City, with Foden (18) being the stellar performer.
Elsewhere there were other games and goal scorers…
Thirty-eight people scored in the hundreds this week! Predominantly Salah captainers! Kudos to you all. So much so, let’s name you heroes, in hierarchical order: –
Harvey Smith 102, Dean Collins 114, Dan Hepworth 102, Kevin Flynn 116, Ashley Mather 100, Iain Sanderson 117, Sean Colohon 111, James Sheridan 112, Bernard Perry 100, Adam Aloof 110, Paul Baker 113, Kevin Ryan 100, Justin McCarthy 102, Steve Cronin 106, Dan Hardwick 108, Toby Glicher 100, Neil Goodwin 110, Simon Chatten 107, Mark Storrar 109, Ben Carter 103, Jack Lowther 105, Jamie Davis 117, Phil Smith 110, Stan Packham 101, Adam Vardy 103, Phil Richards 102, Paul Brownie 103, Sam Parker 112, Aaron Smith 109, Roy Brownie 102, Steve Hansell 111, Sam Drake 109, Arvi Kularia 106, Olly May 105, Steve Mountford 112, Steve Bernard 108.
- In my haste, if I’ve misspelt any of your names or got your score incorrect, meh!!
A special mention to the highest GW 9 scorer and now the highest GW scorer for the season so far – Marcus Holford (94th) with a whopping 119 points.
- You da man! (Until someone scores more, which is highly likely)!!
Top of the league remains – Chris Brophy ‘rhymes with trophy’ (JPC) 😉! An omen? Time will tell.
Closely followed by Harvey Smith (2nd), Dean Collins (3rd), Dan Hepworth (4th) & Kevin Flynn (5th).
Having led for a period, Tim McEwan (23rd) falls out of the top twenty. Don’t do an Everton Timbo!
There were quite a few ‘troubling’ scores this week, relative to those in the upper echelons!
But the most / least Contish were Malek Mansour (211th) who goes with 45 points and Nick Maston (185th) with 50 points. Nick did joint second low score with Ossama Mouslimani (88th) but goes because of a poorer league position.
Now, before I finish, a few things scare me – the boogeyman, women with larger hands than me, the man who eats food out of the bin at the train station, sock puppets, seeing Pete Cronin rustling in the bushes outside my house and the Conts Halloween Horror Show!
That’s right, TEN EVICTIONS next GW!! Blood will be shed!
Until then, you have one week to lick your wounds or be a smug Cont until the next GW starts…
Stu Allen (62nd)