How you doing? Good weekend?
I can almost feel myself starting to weep.

Hold on, I’m going to put on some Elton John.

I just want to tell you that I really, really care about my fantasy football team. It’s like love, it’s like magic. It’s the miracle of life. One day in July the game opened, and… you know don’t you, you can feel it too? I spent hours, days even, reading articles, looking up stats, or just moving the players around so that they made a pretty pattern. I put Kane in, I took him back out. I played with having no Salah, but it hurt too much. I went big at the back, then I went soft. I kissed my team’s neck, I stroked its back, I rubbed in between its legs. It kissed me. Yes. My team kissed me back. Yes. Maybe you’re the one? I woke up. Yes. You had a dogs head and you were dancing.

It was a nice surprise seeing Arsenal win the first game of the season. I for one thought there was a high chance they’d roll over for Palace but not so, and all their cheap fantasy assets came good for us. (If you want to talk about Jesus please call 1-800-SAVIOUR, calls cost $3.85 per minute but you will be redeemed.)

Saturday’s early fixture set the tone for the rest of the day with Liverpool battling the mighty Fulham for a point. There was a moment when I readied myself for ultimate anger (essentially a Salah fail) but of course, as he always does, he came up with the goods. Shame about MITROBITCH robbing the Pool backline of their juicy points but it’s all good. What’s one gameweek hey.

Newcastle, tick. Solid start. Villa, not so. Nice result for Leeds that, a lot of people doubting them this time round but they looked all right. Spurs… did exactly what everyone was expecting but without a big haul for Son and sweet nothing for Mr Kane. Oops. And then Chelsea silence all the haters (temporarily at least) with a 1-0 away win at Everton.

Then Sunday came and rounded off a gorgeous weekend with a day of relaxation. It was wonderful spending time with you. We saw Leicester draw to Brentford. I’m still a bit upset that I didn’t stick with Toney, or Maddison for that matter, but that’s FPL. Obviously we’re all glad to see Man United fall at the first hurdle. At home to Brighton? Nothing to see here. Everything is all good.

I’m going to put Elton John back on now.

Basically, I need to tell you that I have a new best friend. His name is Erling Haaland and I really like him a lot. The moment when he scored that penalty yesterday I felt a closeness I hadn’t felt before. This is something new. I feel like I’ve always known him. I trust him. I feel happy when he smiles. I see my future in the water. I think he’s the one. He’s all I need. Hugs.

So what did all this mean for the FFUK League? Let’s have a look at the first standings of the season.


Well as you can see, I didn’t make the top spot this gameweek but I assure you there’s nothing to worry about, it’s only one gameweek. If anything the bottom of the table says more than the top this early on, because the players down there will likely be burning there wildcard very soon with some serious catching up to do. But we’ll get back to them.

A fine score of 92 for Steven Hansell (1st) there. I am imagining a big ol party going on in his pants this weekend and I hope you don’t mind that Steven. But yes, that aside, what could be better than winning that first race, having all your preparation come good. Steven has a very balanced looking side including as you might expect, Salah (10) and Haaland (12), some wise picks in defence, Mendy (6), Zinchenko (12), and Trippier (7), plus Wilson (6) up top and an enlightened budget pick of Gross (15) in midfield. Who knew?

Steven did.

We really need to talk about the bottom of the league though so let’s do that through the prism of pain that is the Conts League.

I have four bits of good news here for Roni Friel (225th). Yes that’s right Roni, four bits.

Okay so the first bit of good news is that I’m dedicating this whole Gameweek Review to you Roni. From me. To you. With a bit of U2. I think you should have a listen to this Roni as there is nothing better than wallowing after a bad gameweek, and as it’s only Tuesday that means you have pretty much 2-3 days of wallowing before you can really shift your attention to the next gameweek. I hope you enjoy this.

Don’t feel bad Roni. We’re all here with you. We love you. Some of us may be laughing but we are laughing with you. You haven’t disappoint me, you didn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth (ew). I’ll carry you. (Will I ffuk).

Yes readers, this is a very long way of saying that Mr Friel had a rotter of a first gameweek. No Salah. No Haaland. No clean sheet for Roni’s triple Liverpool backline. Captain fail on Kane. Lots of 2s, lots of Ones.

The second bit of good news is that you aren’t bottom of the FFUK League Roni despite your miserly 31 points. Yes it’s true, two people actually did worse than you! Well, I say that. One is called Huggy and their team’s called ‘Huggy Huggy’ so they might not be real, (if you are real, be accountable yeah). The other is previous FFUK Champion Grant Lawrie (226th) who makes an ironic nod to Darwin’s law of natural selection with his team name, and a score of 29.

I’m trying to remember the other bits of good news…

Oh yeah, another bit of good news is that Roni’s good friend James Simpson (223rd), did almost as bad as Roni with 35 points. I suggest maybe you two don’t talk to each other this week? At all. If you do talk then probably avoid FPL as things could still get worse I guess. Better to be safe.

And finally, Roni, the other bit of good news is that it’s only one gameweek! And it’s only gameweek one, so plenty of time to sort this out.

But yes, there is some bad news. Neither Huggy (what?), or Grant are in the Conts League which means that you are the inaugural reject from this most brutal league. Our ever efficient administrators were actually so eager to boot you out that they wouldn’t even wait for this review. Maybe they’re trying to be kind? Like ripping that plaster off quick. Or an amputation. Regardless, you’re gone.

And that’s it for this first gameweek review of the season. I hope like me, you’re having fun pondering who to bring in to your fantasy team for GW2. I would like to bring in all the players who scored points in GW1 obviously, but I’m trying to hold… Also I hope no one has missed out on the price rises for Haaland. Really I do.

I’ll leave you with those sexy dogs I talked about. I think I was dreaming that I was making love to you. I was touching you and then I realised you were furry and that the noises you were making weren’t human, but animal. And you weren’t Erling Haaland.

It was beautiful.

Pete (89th)

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