Kudos to Pete Cronin (153rd) for stepping in at short notice and completing the last GW Review. He’s Chris Galloways (244th) Right-Hand Man for good reason!!

“Love you Pete”, “Love you Chris”.

Pete’s now passed the baton onto me. This will be my eighth Review; does that make me Chris’s Left-Hand Man?

Hmmm, I wonder which hand Chris polishes his trumpet with.

Probably not worth thinking about!

Anywho, best get on with it. So without further ado, welcome to BATTERING RAM…

No, this isn’t in reference to the Back-Row of South Africa’s Rugby Team!

And no, it isn’t a reference to my wife’s new dildo, which incidentally I allow, as it means when I’m away from home it gives me peace of mind that Leroy won’t be round my house pummelling Mrs Allen!!

Stay away from my wife!!

The BATTERING RAM I’m referring to is the non-stop pounding those who dare go ahead against Liverpool and Man City experience for as long as it takes the aforementioned to wrestle back the lead!

Aston Villa and Southampton were the poor bastards lucky / unlucky enough to score early. It’s like poking an angry dog! You’re going to get bitten!!


The remainder of the match saw them smothered, head covered with a pillow waiting to have their back door kicked in!

It reminded me of watching ‘Hold the Door’ in Game of Thrones!


Like poor Hodor they could only hold out for so long, and then the inevitable happened.

Walker (14) was City’s star man, Mane (12) Liverpool’s. Both match winners deservedly made it into the Team of the Week.

These two stellar teams aren’t though giving us the clean sheets or bountiful attacking points they once did. They look a little creaky. They meet next week, I can’t wait!

Let’s talk about the latest FPL Points BATTERING RAM – Rock-solid John Lundstram (21)!

Whilst we’re on the subject of Battering Rams and dildo’s; Lund (small penis) – Stram (to spring or recoil with violence) is actually the perfect name for a sex-aid for those with a shallow vagina! Who knew!!

He certainly brings a lot of pleasure to a lot of ‘players’ out there!!

His whopping ‘haul’ stands proud and is a season high. His giant score made him super-significant this week, a real ‘essential’ and on his way to legendary FPL status?!

Alright luv, do you want some?

In the other noteworthy games Chelsea were more Rampant Rabbit than BATTERING RAM. Abraham (12) pleasuring his owners to climax with a goal and assist!

As for Man Utd – Flaccid Ferret?!!

Moving onto Sunday Sunday and Vardy (6) simply can’t stop partying and scoring; he’s sort of a BATTERING RAM, but I’d classify him more as a Galloping Gazelle!

Leicester’s numero uno right now though, is that handsome, foxy fox Soyuncu (14).

I’m handsome, and I know it.

Defenders are certainly where the points are at right now. Time to start playing five at the back?

In terms of FFUK It was a high scoring week. You’re such a learned bunch!

Twelve players made it into the 90’s – skills!

Let’s ‘name check’ ten of them!

Ross Smith (11th), Jack Clarke (15th), Alex Kassner (18th), Mike Cronin (23rd), Rob Smith (35th), Jonny McEwan (59th), Matt Frost (63rd), Alan Flack (99th), Sam Parker (103rd), Alan D (126th). Phew!

We have a new top 3! Two of which made the 90’s Massive!

Alan Tomkins (1st), Tom McEwan (2nd) & Justin McCarthy (3rd); with 90, 86 and 90 points respectively. Well done guys!

Alan captained Sterling (1) and Justin De Bruyne (2), yet still the big points. Respect!

Some ‘clever-dick’ made it into the hundreds, just!

With 100 points is our very own FFUK BATTERING RAMPeter Hayes (31st). His team looks strong and balanced. I have team envy!

In terms of low-scoring, six players scored in the 30’s.

Bottoming out though was Toby Jones (225th) with 28 points. He can’t be mocked for his feeble effort – his team (on paper) is actually pretty good, it just didn’t come together for him this week!


Aside from a shit score, the two Conts evictees had one commonality.

The sexual BATTERING RAM that is Lundstram (21) was present in both of their squads BUT warmed their respective benches! That’s not a euphemism by the way!!

Unlucky or poor judgement; it’s not for me to decide! I’m sure they’re fisting themselves now though! That is!!

Sean Colohon (166th) and Neil Goodwin (136th) are now cast aside. So long, farewell…

A crumb of comfort for Neil though is that playing Lundy would still not have saved him. He scored a paltry 31 points.

Salt in the wounds of Coolers though, with 41 points, the inclusion in his team would have prevented the guillotine from lopping his Conts-Head off!

Just pop your head in the hole Coolers

With a semi-smug, I’m still a Cont disposition, I am currently experiencing schadenfreude!

I surely can be excused though, as I was third from bottom, my neck was being readied – a lucky escape!

I do have sympathy with them though. I left Soyuncu (14) on my bench – bench points really smart, like cystitis or catching your tallywhacker in your zip!! Those 14 points were worth 29 places in the FFUK League table – bah and meh in equal measures!!

For all those out there that either don’t read or struggle to retain information; next week is the last Double Conts Eviction. From GW13 it’s a single eviction all the way until closing time!

That’s me done! I’m off to try and work out how my ten year old son, Theo Allen (64th) is Battering his old man and making him look a right fool! I taught him too well!!

The reigns are being passed over to Duncan Hannigan (78th) next week. I wonder what that makes Dunc in relation to Chris?

His merkin?!


Stu Allen (129th)

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