Welcome to the GW27 REVIEW – CANNONBALL

cannonball 1

Still a bitter Conts taste in my mouth

Still Aguero from 12 yards leaves me laced with doubt

Still owning Lundstram is passé, what’s going on

Still a little bit of a stamp, you fail to witness.

Still a little bit of your shoulder the ball hasn’t kissed

Liverpool step a little closer to the title each day

Fabiański can’t explain what’s going on.

Aubameyang’s brace taught me to fly

Mourinho’s weaselling deflection taught me to lie

Norwich’s impotence taught me to die

So it’s not VARd to fall

When it hits your shoulder and the ref gives handball.

Hey FA morons, these are your shoulders!

Still a little bit of Lampard’s fourth official berating in my ear

Still a little bit of Dean Smiths honest words I long to hear

You step a lo celso on me

So close that Stockley Park can’t see what’s going on.

Andre Gomes return taught me to fly

The Cherries getting ‘hosed’ taught me to lie

Reina’s gapping goal taught me to die

So it’s not VARd to fall

When Leicester don’t, but City do, get given a handball

Jota’s 16-point haul taught me to fly

Lundy’s 9 minute run out taught me to cry

So come on Bruno Fernandes!

Teach me to BUY

‘Cause Vardy’s price continues to fall

And yet I still don’t wanna sell ‘her’!

It’s not VARd to fall

And Pep don’t wanna lose

It’s not hard for Kloppo (ahem)

When you know the Hammers just don’t know

I’m forever blowing… IT!!
21 gun salute
Tamely fire it straight at Fabiański, he’ll let it past.


  1. Broken laptop owned by ‘Statto’ Steve Cronin, which made the Captain stats late! Forgiven. 
  2. Tubs of hair gel used to keep Grealish’s hair in place. Peacock.
  3. MPH – the speed at which Reina sauntered back to not cover his goal after going up for a corner. Lazy-Cont.
  4. FFUKers (JPC, Dunc, JDS & Damo) vowing (via the Whatsapp group) to jettison Aguero within 4 minutes of his penalty miss. Epiphany.
  5. Incorrect VAR decisions. Soul-destroying.
  6. Times Lampard called the fourth official a ‘Cont’! Deserved.
  7. Points ‘adrift’, Norwich that is. Relegated.
  8. Wild Card Chips played this week. Realignment.
  9. Games without a Vardy goal. Hangover.
  10. Centimetres extra. Harry Maguire’s oversized circumferential ‘slab-head’ advantage. Swede.
  11. Trent Alexander-Arnold FFUK Captains. Astute.
  12. Mourinho excuses, all largely the same. Deluded.
  13. June – FFUK End of Season Do. Be there!
  14. Bruno Fernandes points. Missing link.
  15. English Pounds lost to my son Theo. £5 for each time Arsenal scored! Swindled.
  16. Failed attempts. David Moyes just can’t manage a team to beat Liverpool. Hoodoo.
  17. The number of ‘easy’ pool shots missed by ‘Coolers’ & ‘Bealer’ on Sunday night! Cow’s-Arse & Banjo?
  18. Paltry minutes for Adama Traore. Oh c’mon!
  19. Points scored by the entire Bournemouth team. Sterling (20pts) scored more than that in GW1! Forgettable.
  20. Percent more possession. Norwich (60%) dominated proceedings at Wolves (40%). Shame they didn’t do anything useful with it! Masturbation without ejaculation.
  21. Lundstram points in the past 9 weeks. Sold.
dumb and dumber
Cow’s-Arse & Banjo – 2020 Special Needs UK Pool runners up

This CANNONBALL of a GW was emotive; whether you learned to fall, fly, lie or die!

To put it in perspective, the FPL ‘Average’ was 45 points. Most of us beat that!

Fall – Stephen Fieldon (8th) dropped like a stone! Lowest scorer in the top-twenty with 34 points.

Fly – Karl Weyman (111th) top scored with a mighty 95 points. A Triple Captain on Salah certainly helped!

Lie – The table doesn’t lie! Still FFUKing numero uno is Paul Baker (1st) who is just outside the FPL top one thousand – Bravo!!

Die – Damien O’Neil (19th) currently lies in the Conts-Mortuary. 48 points sealed his Conts-Death. His Conts-Corpse will be removed! 11 ‘Conts’ remain ‘alive’. 


Until next time…

Stu (43rd)


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