VAR’s broke we’re not happy,

Decisions poor and unkind

Ade’s short, 12-yards-dodgy, yeah!

Saints high but Ings grounded,

Capt Kane left me underwhelmed

Pickford’s lost, would even drop a baby!

Jordan, Congratulations Love Carlo. x

(Parker knows) what it all comes down to

Is Ade’s getting a massive club fine, fine, fine

‘Cause Bruno’s got one hand in his pocket

And the other is delaying Ole’s P45!

Mane wasn’t drunk when he ‘fell-over’,

Foden’s young and still underplayed

Ole not fired, still working, yeah!

Fulham care but they’re useless,

They’re here but they’ll soon be gone

If I’m wrong then I’m sorry Jamie Davis (97th)!

“Are we being a bit pessimistic, it’s only November”

Watkins only goes ‘n scores two

Oh, andpen’s’ this week were FFUKing shite!

‘Cause KDB’s got one hand in his pocket

And the other should be picking the ball out of the net!

Pool defender points only two

Clean sheets, they haven’t got it all figured out just yet

‘Cause VAR’s got one hand in its pocket

And the other one is drawing an armpit-line!

Comb ya hair, wave ya hand… SUPERMAN!!

Grealish plays free, Villa play focused,

Architect of Arsenal’s demise

Top card is our own James Downie (1st)!

JPC’s (118th) sad but we’re laughing,

His ‘grave’ transfers were chicken-shit!

Two sick with no CONTS safety

Eviction all boils down to…

Is lowest scoring Scott Volker n’ Neil Stewart!

Klopp’s got one hand in his pocket

And the other one is playing Jota n’ Firmino!

“Don’t laugh at him Diogo, not everyone can score”

West Brom will go down too Jose, special-friend, yeah!

For Spurs everything is just fine, fine, fine

‘Cause Mourinho’s got one hand in his pocket

And the other fist-pumping from a smash-n’-grab!

Kings of the Gameweek – how many did you own?

28 Days of ‘Lockdown’

1. In FFUK. James Downie (1st). Jumps from sixth with a whopping 88pts. I think he’s definitely going to win the League. There, my ‘commentators-curse’ should put pay to his title challenge!! Dizzy-Heights.      

2. Transfer-Tales. JPC (118th) – Havertz & Ampadu = 0 pts. Don Macaulay (207th) -Chilwell & Ziyech = 19 pts. Different-Gravy.  

3. Game ban now spent for Richarlison. Thank FFUK. Everton haven’t won without him! Sorely-Missed.

4. Minutes after the Spurs match had finished, Dunc Hannigan (149th) via WhatsApp was still hopeful for more Son (3) points!! Stream-Delay.

5. English pounds & a Lucky Dip won by the FFUK Lottery Syndicate. Chump-Change.

6. BIG saves from Areola (4). Shouldn’t have been on the losing team should he Ademola! Irritated-Nipple.

7. Places up the league for Sean Colohan (5th) with 82 pts. He only went easy on us and left 20 on the bench too!. Thanks Coolers! Maverick/Goose.

8. lbs in weight Brewster (2) needs to lose. He’ll then make 90 minutes! Maybe even score!! Telly-Tubby.

9. Pope (9) points. Still over-priced and very much a luxury. Pickford-Deputy!

10. Punches, landed on Lookman (0) in the changing room. Six from Mitrovic! Panenka-Prick.

11. Points from former Battering-Ram Lundstram so far this year. He got 12 pts in his second game last season! Bleating-Lamb.

12. Yards. Vardy (4), Lookman (0), KDB (3) all missed from it! Penalty-Pressure.

13. Chips played. 4 x Triple Capt; 7 x Wildcard; 2 x Bench Boost. Balls-Out.

14. Points scored by the entire Leeds Team. Bamford (7) got half! Bielsa needs to ‘stand-up’, literally! Bucket-Boy.

15. Minutes I fell asleep for during the Brighton vs Burnley match. If you paid £14.95 for that, you’d put your foot through the telly! Bore-Draw.

16. Conts down. 45 to go until there is but one King-Cont! NDS (205th) & Scott Volker (197th) evicted after scores or 47 & 48 pts respectively. No-Return.

17. Bruno (17) points. Top scorer despite his selflessness! James Simpson (178th) only went and captained him – bravo! Knock-Out.

18. Percent more possession Arsenal (59%) had over Villa (41%). They need to do more than just ‘fore-play’! Didn’t even get Villa down to their underwear! Trouser-Tent.

19. Minutes for Jorginho (1). Didn’t bother me, don’t own him! Must have irked the 15% of FFUKers that do though! Bench-Points-Blocker.

20. Shots from Chelsea’s irresistible attacking assets. Time to climb aboard that ship? Finally-Clicked.

21. Measly points. For bottom of the League and lowest weekly scorer – Ollie Beckwith (245th). Ghost-Team.

22. Football related ‘swears’ from Tom Newman (33rd). It cost him £22 in ‘fines’ from his ‘better-half’. Profanities can actually be therapeutic. Not bullshit Tom, I fucking promise you!! Potty-Mouth.

23. Inches of arm that Bamford (7) can’t score with! What is he supposed to point with, his penis? Should he learn telepathy? Enough-already.

24. Goals this week. Down from last week thanks to seven clean sheets. Are teams finally remembering how to defend? Hold-the-Door!

25. Yards further up the pitch Kane (9) needs to be. If he drops any deeper he’ll be in the changing-room! Most players ‘retreat’ in their thirties! You’re still young Harry! Know your place, keep to your position!! Watching too much American Football me-thinks! Wannabe-Quarterback.

26. Place rise! For our esteemed Chairman Chris Galloway (18th). A weekly high score of 91 points certainly helps! I’m not contractually allowed to draw attention to any Hits he may or may not take, so I won’t (can’t)!!  Cult-Leader.

27. Minutes lost, forever, which we’ll never get back thanks to the delay in proceedings that VAR decision-making causes. Curse you non-footballing wieners in Stockley Park! Stop-Start.

28.  Different Wildcard transfers made by Pete Cronin (46th) before he settled on a team he was happy with!! They reaped 76 pts. If only he hadn’t left Watkins (13) on the bench! Gradual-Realignment

FFUK top 20 after GW8

Enjoy the International Break (ahem)…

Stu Allen (37th)

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