Happy (sort of) New Year one & all!

What a better FPL start to 2021; it was inevitable 2020 ended how it did.

GW16 was arbitrary, unfair and distressing! Your GW score would unlikely have been a product of your endeavours. So many wounds left to lick! Collectively, we move on.

Well, enough dwelling on the past, GW17 firmly corrected that! It brings me great pleasure to announce, for once…


Kings of GW17

This GW was mostly wonderous! It righted the ‘wrongs’! Most of the big-name players we largely own and who usually ‘produce’, did! If you are measured and meticulous in your planning, you should now be well recompensed.

Everton GET rightfully ‘snaked’ for GIVING backward and sideway passes all afternoon. One of the most difficult Toffee watches of my life and I’ve chewed over some abhorrent one’s during my lifetime!

Soucek (11) GOT the fortune that his never GIVING up persistence deserved.

A lot of you did NOT GET these precious points! They languish on your bench as you did NOT have the foresight to GIVE him a spot in your starting eleven!

Man Utd GET another penalty (33 in the past 59 games) by GIVING it to the player who most resembles Bambi, in the box – It did the trick! Points magnet, Fernandes (10) gobbles those ‘gifts’ up!!

Leeds GET another thrashing courtesy of Spurs, for GIVING another naïve, albeit thoroughly entertaining performance. The team collectively scored 20 FPL points. Last week they scored over 80. What a difference a week and decent opposition makes!

The Chuckle Brothers AKA Kane (12) & Son (13) link-up again to GET two-you, two-me more notches on their goal / assist combination ratings! I wonder what they GIVE each other in the changing room?!

You GET Mitchell off from the bench he has largely been sat on since GW7 and into your starting eleven and you’re GIVEN 6 points from a Palace ‘cleanie’ and enormous satisfaction (verging on smugness) from the knowledge a little 3.9 million player outscored Robertson (1) who costs 7.4M!

You GET minus 2 points and crash n’ Burn (😉) if you…

GIVE away a corner, which is subsequently scored from

Then, GIVE away a penalty, which is converted

Then, GIVE away an own goal

Oh, and then GET a yellow card (to make your day complete)!

All before being put out of his misery (subbed, not euthanised)!

Dan Burn (-2) had an absolute Nightmare! I bet in his state of distress he shit the bed that night…

Then rolled over in it

Then slipped and got it all over the carpet

Then let the dog in the room, who starts eating it

Then lets it out, only for it to go give the children ‘dog-affection’…

All before being put out of his misery (industrial clean and child-therapy, not euthanised)!!

Here’s sincerely hoping, he finds redemption next GW; oh, and didn’t have white bedsheets, a cream carpet or very young children!!! I’m not worried about the mutt, a dog’s got personality, personality goes a long way!!

Arsenal rightly stuck with Arteta, who ironically hasn’t stuck with his under-performing misfits. A young, vibrant and hardworking team is what you now see! They GET a third straight win for GIVING him more time. Only 3 points behind Chelsea now! Unbelievable Jeff!!

Sure, we can point to quality of opposition (West Brom, Brighton, Chelsea) they have disposed of, but they and their keenly priced assets look irresistible right now!

I see the bandwagon steadily rolling towards the bargainous and points toting Saka (8), Smith-Rowe (9) and Holding (10). Hey, I can even see it circling around Lacazette (12). Yeha!!

You GET in Tierney Mr Sam Blake (34th), you’re GIVEN a weekly high of 18 points.

He did his homework and chose him over Van Aanholt who scored FFUK all! You got what you deserved Blakey.

Man City most certainly and finally GET their mojo back and GIVE passive Chelsea a good going-over!

You might possibly GET 13 points from the best player the Premier League has seen since Thierry Henry! A majestic midfielder playing a ‘false 9’ effortlessly! KDB (13) only has a 15% FFUK ownership; hmm, go figure!

You GET to witness a corner flag dish out a flogging (ahem) if you GIVE Werner (2) corner taking duties! He’s a FFUKing ‘melt’!! Never have I witnessed someone get beaten up by an inanimate object! Note to Werner – watch Jamie Vardy take absolutely no shit from a corner flag. Now hang your head in shame and don’t cry from the incoming Chinese Burns & Wet-Willy’s from your teammates!

“I want my mummy and I want to go home”

You GET made to wait if you GIVE the armband to a player playing in the last match. 45 of you did!

Salah (2) captainers, I’m talking to you! You either, have nerves of steel and (thought you) knew what you were doing, you brave little trooper; or you gave yourself unnecessary Fantasy Football anxiety and restless nights you silly sausage!

It was the latter! It wasn’t worth the wait! Resolute Southampton defending and inept Liverpool attacking resulted in just one shot on target for Pool! Oh, and I’ve got to mention the best right-back in the world (ahem) only gave the ball away 38 times! A season high!! Time to put his stabilisers back on?!

Salah captainers shouldn’t be too surprised. Southampton have kept 5 clean sheets in their last 8 matches. Unlike my missus, they’re tight at the back!!

However, if you GET the armband firmly on a ‘safer’ Captain; you are GIVEN plentiful points.

Two-thirds (66%) of FFUKers made a ‘good’ captain choice and went with either Kane (12), Son (13) or Fernandes (10).

You GET to 225th in the WORLD if your name is Steve Cronin (1st) and you GIVE a once in a lifetime performance, check him out at the top of the table below:


Pete Cronin (118th) must feel like Danny DeVito to his Arnold Schwarzenegger brother right now!

If you fail to GET rid of ‘named’ strikers, whose scoring powers seem to be dwindling, you’re GIVEN a meagre 2 points!

Watkins (2), Calvert-Lewin (2), Wilson (2) and Bamford (2), won’t you please score up! My crosshair is hovering over two of you right now!

Paul Baker (85th) & Tim McEwan (104th) GET the breaks they deserve – karma for Bakes for all his FFUK CUP work & divine intervention for Everton supporting Tim 😉! After transferring in Burnley defenders, who would have surely gleaned clean sheet points against the shambles that is Fulham’s attack; they are GIVEN seventeen (Creswell (11) & Walker-Peters (6)) and ten (Holding (10)) points from their respective benches!!

If you GET the weekly high score and have a cool name, it is mandatory to GIVE recognition to this!

Therefore, take a bow Malek Mansour (26th) for your whopping 96-point score! He’d be in the 100-Club if he hadn’t left Soucek (11) on his bench. Yikes!

You GET kicked out of the CONTS if you GIVE this Mini League the lowest weekly score. That’s what’s happened to Dan Hardwick (64th).

Martial (2) GOT his captain-nod. By doing this Dan was in a group of just one! Out on a limb. He was alone; cold, hungry, naked and scared! Everyone else in the Conts stuck together and gave the nod to, let’s just say a small collection of better-chosen and less risky candidates!

For this Maverick (Sorry, wrong GW Review JPC (98th) 😉) approach and 42-point haul, he’s GIVEN the Conts-Boot! Hard lines compadre!

Stuart Newton (116th) breathes a huge sigh of relief! His auto-sub of Martinelli to Raphinha (2) literally saved his bacon!

My advice for the Conts is herd mentality! Be a sheep! If you’re on your own, the big, bad Conts-Wolf will come and snatch you in the middle of the night!

Despite being a largely fair and just GW there were a few injustices!

Andy Carroll snaffling 3 whole bonus points despite only playing for 11 minutes! Talk about an insult to all those that played 90 and whose actions actually had an impact on the result of the game!!

Chelsea were woeful. They deserved nothing, so the late, late goal harshly denied many clean sheet points for City defender-owning players.

One game was cancelled due to COVID. Hmm; (dry tickly) cough-cough!! This didn’t have a significant impact on the GW thankfully, in fact it helped some (hey Bakes 😉)!

Having no goalie. It is out of our control that Ederson and McCarthy’s absences were announced after the GW started. Poor Pete Cronin (118th), for a second week running was left open and exposed! You have my sympathy. In fact, I’m wearing a black armband today in your invisible-goalie remembrance. 

Well, I’m offski; or more appropriately inski (ahem), to work out what to do over the next two GW’s! I get excited when something different is required and people must show their mettle! I fully expect a little bit of wee to sneak out after the GW18 deadline!

To Free Hit, to Wild Card, to Bench Boost, to Triple Captain that is the question…

Stu Allen (13th)

Anyone fancy a chip?

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