In truth it was some time ago that I volunteered to pen the Valentines Massacre Review. The bitter divorcee and Evertonian had lots of reasons to be Cold Hearted back then.

Fast forward a few months and Super Frankie Lampard has replaced Rafa and this Cold Heart has started to turn blue again so I’m not sure I’ll be as harsh as I once was.

A cold hearted one will be yielding the axe in the conts this week though. More on the massacre later. 8 to go!!!

And so to the action……

Pre deadline all the chat was about United’s double. Obviously the goat that is CR7 wouldn’t let his FFUKing owners down again would he?

And what of Salah, Would he continue his inability to score against Burnley?

As I have both of them in my team the answer was obviously YES. Cold hearted bastards!!!

In the early kick off, United were shite again in drawing 1 each with Southampton. Adams and Sancho top scored with 9 points each.

Only 1 place to start with the 3 o’clocks. Goodison was rocking, Super Frank was in the dug out and my old mate Christine was in the stands. (I’m sure JPC will still have my photo with her if you ask nicely?) Everton were much improved with VDB pulling the strings. A clean sheet for the 1st time in living memory and even Alex FFUking Iwobi having a good game! From an FPL pov Gordon (14) impressed again although his goal was very generous! Coleman (14) and Keane (13) also helped this little blue heart.

Old Woy’s Watford lost again, this time 2-0 at home to Brighton. Webster (15) and Lamptey (11) the pick of the bunch.

Brentford drew love all with Palace. Raya (10) the only one worth noting. Is he an option again? Was he ever?

In the late kick off there were a few who got Pep’d with Cancelo, KDB and Laporte all benched. We should be used to Pep’s heart breaking but we just never learn! Raheem (18) stole the show with a hat trick which included a penalty miss.

Sundays games were a bit of an anti-climax to be fair. Obviously Mo (3) had his customary blank at Burnley. Fabinho (10) and Alisson (10) top scored for the red shite.

Another Trippier (9) inspired win for Newcastle although he went and got himself injured so hold off on those transfers FFUKers.

Spurs were Spursy again. Losing 0-2 to the Black (hearted?!) Cats. Dendonker (14) played his way into the team of the week (see below) and Jimi (6) scored. Just as a heads up, I have transferred Jimi in this week so he’ll not score in DGW26. #justsaying

In Sunday’s final game West Ham left it late to secure a Desmond away to Leicester. Bowen (13) did the business again and Tielemans (9) weighed in with a goal and 2 bps.

And so to the bit we were all waiting for, Chris was sharpening the Conts shaped axe as a massacre was about to happen.

8 conts to go. Brutal doesn’t even cut it.

It literally came down to the last minute. Well 7 minutes into injury time if you want me to be precise!!! Bruno (10) saved a few but who did he condemn???

The unlucky ones, the hateful 8, if you will, –

Duncan Hannigan

Paul Baker

Mark Tarbox

Ben Carter

Jamie Stewart

Ameet Shah

Chris Smith

Sam Drake

Some FFUKing big names in there and I dont mean Samuel L Jackson!

Justin McCarthy saved by the skin of his teeth and a special mention to my wee mate Leafy. His continess saved by that late Bruno goal. He’s got more lives than Kurt Zoumas cat (his words not mine!)


I suppose it would be remiss of me not to mention the top of the table this week.

Chris Brophy (1st) is feeling the love in top spot but really this week was all about the conts so no-one gives a FFUK.

Lawrence Sprigings (125th) top scored in the league with 93 points. Check out the best GW score page to see all of these from the season so far.

Quick shout out for JPC (185th) who top scored last GW and is right up there again this week scoring 84. Nicely done – A few more weeks like this and he will be troubling the upper echelons!

That’s probably enough from me so I’ll leave you to Elton & Dua Lipa. A great duo.Just like Christine & Frank and our very own Chris & Pete. Good to have you back stalking FFUKers up and down the land.

All the best FFUKers

Snow Patrol (101st)

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